Phonzo journalism

I like words. I read them, devour them, assimilate and disseminate them. My favourite word in the world? Probably lethologica – when I can remember it. That or bawbag.

After words, my favourite thing to learn is facts. Or better still, facts about words. Here are a few:

• There are one to two million words in the English language (depending on how many slang terms you count)
• The average Sun reader knows 35,000 words
• A well-educated individual may know up to 75,000
• A new word is created approximately every 98 minutes

Today we’re going to create ten new words in less than two minutes. And what’s more, you’re going to use them in everyday errday speech because that’s the only way these terms are going to make it into Urban Dictionary, followed by the proper dictionary.

I’ve got form for this by the way, with entry #4 on this page being my proudest moment to date (apart from that time I almost became a sperm donor):

Filler: A phone call that is made to a mate or partner simply for the purpose of killing time while travelling on a boring journey.
Girlfriend: ‘Aw, that’s really sweet of you to phone and ask how my day was going.’
Boyfriend: ‘That’s cool, it was only a filler anyway. Right gotta go, that’s my stop.’

Gentlemen, it’s time to broaden your vocabulary. Are you ready to change the English language?

10 Splendid Neologisms

★ A two-day hangover:

overhang

★ A pedestrian who’s too immersed in their smartphone to watch where they’re going:

teezee

(From TZ = text zombie)

★ A smartphone that takes ages to charge and then dies after ten minutes’ browsing:

a drainer

Element, Rose Street: Don’t order the club sandwich

★ To scrutinise a pub menu, order and eagerly await the arrival of your food…only to realise, at first bite, that you’ve made the wrong choice:

dished

Example: “This club sandwich is gash. Aw man, I got dished!”

★ The practice of making your smartphone part of the story you’re writing. Just as our smartphones frame our lives, a writer can embrace its pervasiveness and acknowledge its role in the creative process. (See One Night In Leith for an example):

phonzo journalism

(a bastardisation of gonzo)

★ A partner who constantly makes excuses not to have sex, then proffers themselves to you at an inconvenient time such as when you’re dashing out the door:

an avocado

★ The person you’d most like to see naked i.e a girl whose noodz you covet more than anyone else’s:

pr0nqueen

★ A dog-owner who looks the other way and feigns innocence while their pooch takes a shit:

a pilot

(from Pontius Pilate, who washed his hands of Jesus’ crucifixion)

★ A man who chooses to pee in the cubicle rather than use the urinal with all the other guys:

a cockold

And finally…

★ A term for describing an Upworthy, BuzzFeed or ViralNova link that doesn’t deserve your attention:

lb;dr

(link bait; didn’t read)

Got any other suggestions for words that need popularised? Stick ‘em in the comments below. All it takes is common consensus for these terms to make it into the dictionary. Together we can change the world, one word at a time.

—★★★—

Overhang