Like a fat girl super-sizing her meal, this article was inevitable. I didn’t want to write about cocks – not in a blog as erudite as Ed Uncovered – but then someone emailed me a bunch of penis names. As the saying goes, when life hands you a big bag of dicks, make a blog with them.
Last year, I wrote a blog about vaginas. It was a frivolous, throwaway piece, as you’d expect of an article called 50 Great Names for Vagina. Now, whenever someone tires of saying ‘vagina’, they turn to Google for inspiration. And Google sends them here.
Last month 75,000 people came here looking for vag names. Next month there’ll be another 75k and so on, until every last soul on earth knows every last name for vagina.
Huehuehuehue…
Om nom nom
Today, in a wholly uncynical ploy, Ed Uncovered is pleased to publish the sequel to 50 Shades of Gash. The penis may be the exact opposite of the vagina – the ying to its yang, the… well, the cock to its cum tunnel – but the pair are linked by more than mere friction; both share ridiculous names.
Penis. Vagina.
Go on – say them aloud. Utterly ridiculous. How did a civil society come to adopt such grotesque names for our private parts?
Thankfully that horrific P-word need never pass your lips again – because I’m about to supply an entirely new set of penis names. What’s more, all of them have been certified as suitable for using in a court of law and over Sunday dinner with the in-laws.
“Dad, you’ll never guess what happened to my pink taco while Mark and I were riding the baloney pony last night!”
See? Certified.
Hit that play button to get you in the mood and then let’s do this: 50 Great Names for Penis.
[bandcamp width=100% height=120 album=1507729514 size=large bgcol=ffffff linkcol=0687f5 tracklist=false artwork=small track=1874679840]
Nasty names for penis
★ Womb broom
★ Mutton dagger
★ Snot rocket
★ Yogurt slinger
★ Meat scepter
★ Weapon of ass destruction
★ Wedding wrecker
★ Clam hammer
★ Spam javelin
★ Taco warmer
★ Tuna torpedo
★ Meat popsicle
★ Mr. Sniffles
★ Muff marauder
Moar Nasty Names for Penis
★ AIDS baster
★ Dora the explorer
★ Kidney scraper
★ Gash mallet
★ Crotch vomiter
★ Cervix crusader
★ Womb raider
★ Whore thermometer
★ Uncle Reamus
★ Vagina miner
★ Veinous Maximus
★ Vlad the Impaler
★ Vomit rod
★ Puff the one-eyed dragon
★ The artful throbber
★ Jurassic pork
★ The bone ranger
★ Womb ferret
★ Baloney baton
★ Tummy banana
★ Tiny Tim
★ Skin flute
★ Slit-eyed demon
★ Sludge pump
★ Ho wrecker
★ Porridge gun
Personal Favourites
★ Woody womb pecker
★ Just-in-beaver
Names for a Tiny Penis
★ Choad
Spanish Names for Penis
★ Verga
★ Falo
★ Polla
★ Rabo
★ Pito
★ Chile
★ Nabo
★ Chorizo
Nice Words for Penis
Er…there aren’t any.
Can we go now?
Yeah, alright. Try not to share this blog excessively or I’ll only be compelled to churn out another post next week called 50 Great Names for Breasts, and believe it or not I’m trying to dumb this site up – not down. Otherwise, where will it all end? I’ll tell you where it’ll end: a year hence with me struggling to compile 50 Great Names for Anus, and no one wants that.
Vaginas? Yes. Penises? Go on then. Asses? Eweee.
By Ed Uncovered
explorer of Dora* btw
Whatever it’s called, most penises don’t get the attention to their health that they deserve; men need to take care of the general health of their tools by using a nourishing penis health crème with amino acids.
Omg what?
And what’s wrong with penis? I doubt if anybody uses the names given above. Just call it what it is.
you a dumb nigga
mf stupid
Yolo
lunn
Guy penis is sexy and yumy.
You want mine
Do ya want a sample?
You actually spell it ‘verga’ in spanish.
NIGGA’S that was kinda funny
vagina basher HAHA
the mallet
The names in Spanish have some mistakes, “verga”, “polla”; and in Mexico you may add “chile” and “chorizo”
Reproducer…said in a robot type voice.
There are many positive names for the penis, and if you don’t know any – please invent some!
My personal favourites:
Lingam (Sanskrit for “Wand of Light”)
Jade Stem (Taoist terminology)
Love Wand (Cute, magical)
Phallus (Strong, powerful)
Cock (Masculine, alert, even if this word is somewhat incorrectly/offensively used)
Slippery serpent (ok, that one was just being funny!)
Ask your partner what he likes to call his prime sexual organ, and when you both agree it’s positive, call it that.
My personal favorite is piggy porker my frindalso calls it his wang wang
you’ll crazy
The peace maker!!!
Men two Julian jewell age 25. July 20 1990 porn
“Flat-backer Probe” lol
the rod of destiny
Love it!
I prefer Willy the one eyed wonder worm myself.
One Eyed Yogurt Slinger
Pussy destructor
Am I mistaken but weren’t penis’s also referred to as a flask?
Don’t forget Turkish name of small penis “Pipi” (Yeah it’s sound like this: httpss://translate.google.com/?hl=tr#tr/en/Pi%20i )
Dammit i wrote wrong : httpss://translate.google.com/?hl=tr#tr/en/Pi%20pi <—- True
Magic wand