all aboard the feelmobile

Ohai there! What’s up? You don’t look so happy. What’s bothering you – is it the title of this article? Is it the day you’re having? Or is it the life you’re having?

If my calculations are correct, you’re reading these words for one of two reasons:

1. You saw this article on Facebook and were curious as to what sort of an idiot would encourage suicide.

2. You’re actually thinking about suicide and would like to learn the best way to go about it.

If you’re here for the latter, you’re going to be disappointed – and yet you’re also going to be pleasantly surprised, for reasons we’ll get to shortly. FWIW, I know some excellent ways to commit suicide – quick ones, messy ones, painless ones, selfish ones – but I’m not about to share them. Mostly because that sort of thing is deemed irresponsible. But also because maybe, just maybe, if I put forward a compelling enough argument, you might stick around to fight another day.

For the rest of you – the lurkers – your incentive to read on is the prospect of absorbing some of those feels. The sort of feels that Upworthy would repackage as The Title of This Article Will Anger You. Its Words Will Blow Your Mind. Goodtime feels. Uplifting feels. Feels that, in an internet awash with click bait and broken promises, you might not have felt in a while.

So lurkers, lurk, while I attempt something I’ve never attempted before: talking someone out of taking their own life.

Reasons to live

wrecking feelLet’s be straight: I don’t know you. You don’t know me. You’re just some dude/chick trying to find the best way to depart stage left and I’m just some dude trying to tell you things aren’t that bad. You might not be planning to do it at this very moment. You might not even be sure you want to do it. But at the very least, you want to sound out your options and formulate an exit strategy.

I’ve already conceded that I’m not gonna tell you how to become an hero. An hero is one of my favourite phrases in the entire world, but in my opinion there’s nothing heroic about breathing your last into a plastic bag. That being so, why should you bother reading on? Why not just hit the back button and click on a more helpful link?

Well, there’s nothing stopping you from doing so. First though, I’d like to tell you a little story. Indulge me for the next three minutes. Then, when I’m done, we can go our separate ways.

Confession time

I can’t tell you what it feels like to leave this world. I can’t tell you whether it’s blissful and dreamy or tinged with panic and regret. I don’t know if there’s a better life waiting in the next world or if we just….die (though I’m betting on the latter).

I can’t tell you much about death then, but I can tell you a lot about everything up until that point. This website prides itself on telling it like it is; no bullshit and no airbrushing. Hell, its slogan is The Naked Truth. Veracity is what we do.

doge is love doge is lifeDespite the 200 brutally honest blogs that have gone before, this is by far the most truthful. That’s because I’m going to confess to something I’ve never told anyone. Not a soul. I’ve confessed to a lot of things in this blog: to fapping, to prison, to getting sacked from a job (for fapping) and to wanting to kill a bunch of people who are dicks (hey, I didn’t say I was pro-life).

Before I confess to a secret you may have already deduced, there’s something you should note:

All those other confessions – the fapping, the imprisonment, the hit list – they were written to entertain people. This? For possibly the first time in my life, I’m confessing not for the lulz or catharsis but for someone else. I’m doing this for you.

The plan was to keep quiet about this incident for the rest of my life, just as I have for the past ten years. But today I had a change of heart.

So here goes….

Once upon a time, I tried to commit suicide.

Spoiler: it didn’t work. The alcohol kicked in before I could fully implement my plan and I woke up extremely ill but very much alive. That’s right, I’m one of those people who fails so hard at life they can’t even end themselves properly.

How close was I exactly? Pretty damn close. It was a thing, it happened and now I’m sharing it with some random strangers on the internet. Plus my mates and gf who’ll be reading this and will no doubt want to know more. Tough, cos that’s all you’re getting.

This is the first time I’ve properly reflected on what happened on that day ten years ago. Even as I’m writing these words, my instinct is to hit the backspace key and write a blog about boobies instead. I’m going to persevere though in an effort to be of help and because things get cheerier from hereon.

crustaceans are selfish

Better days

My failed attempt doesn’t make me some sort of expert on suicide. But it means, at the very least, that I can say I know that feel. For me it was a one-off episode, but I know that some people don’t have it that easy. For some people, that grey cloud just won’t shift.

There are many reasons why you might currently find yourself in that position, but I’m not going to delve into them. Not because I don’t care, but because you don’t need me second-guessing and paraphrasing whatever’s going on in your life right now. Instead, I’m gonna recite some reasons why I’m glad my an hero backfired ten years ago.

Cool shit that’s happened to me since that day:

  • Seen a bunch of my favourite bands
  • afi kick assTaken some really good drugs
  • Tasted some insanely good meals
  • Made some amazing friends
  • Laughed harder than I ever thought possible
  • Had sex with numerous pretty women (OK, a few pretty women)
  • Had sex with some less pretty women (and it was still goooood)
  • Created a moderately successful website (yep, this one)
  • Written some cool songs
  • Made a fuckton of money (and spent it all)
  • Been to some kick-ass parties
  • Had my writing endorsed by some of my literary heroes
  • Discovered b/
  • Watched Breaking Bad
  • Become a father to two beautiful girls
  • Turned into a pretty good writer (not as good as I’d like to be, but way better than I was)

That’s a lotta cool shit to have happened all because some loser passed out before they got a chance to an hero. Compared to other people’s achievements, that list might not look too impressive. Compared to the alternative however – being dead – I’d say it’s pretty good. And that’s just ten in years. Who knows what the next ten will bring?

Since that near-fateful day, I’ve experienced the best times of my life. That said, I’ve also endured some of the worst: I’ve been busted, robbed, attacked, imprisoned (twice), wasted two years of my twenties (in jail), missed the birth of both my daughters (jail again), fucked up some relationships, cheated and been cheated on, gone hungry, been perennially skint and I’ve failed to buy bitcoin when it was $8. Idiot.

tl;dr: Life’s pretty shit sometimes. At other times, it’s fucking awesome. Don’t let a bad day or a bad year fuck up all the good years you’ve yet to live.

A final thought before I leave you to get on with the rest of your life

If you’re reading these words on the internet, congratulations: you already have a better life than most of the seven billion souls on this planet. The number of nothing to see here move alongpeople who will never have a chance to be in your situation – with internet access, running water, a home and an education – is as numerous as the stars in the sky. You didn’t ask to be born, but count yourself lucky that you were. Count yourself lucky that you weren’t born into some shit-tier country where even making it past childhood is an achievement. Or born 300 years ago when life, for the 99%, was utterly gash.

You’re living through the most exciting era in human history. Ten years from now, technology will have changed the world in more ways than we can imagine. Don’t you want to see Amazon drones getting shot from the sky? Don’t you want to experience cybersex with a hologram (or even normal sex with a real person)? Who knows, we might even get those jetpacks we were promised.

Even if the tech revolution proves to be a disappointment, there are a thousand other reasons to get out of bed in the morning. Go and ask that girl out. Visit that place you always wanted to see. Learn to snowboard. Buy a cat. Write a book. Create a bedroom bucket list. YOLO motherfucker. We have infinity in which to be dead. So let’s make the most of our time on this fucked up planet we call earth.


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an hero

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