water repellent spray

What’s the stickiest situation you’ve ever been in?

I’m not talking suspended from school or wanted in five states sticky. I’m talking sticky.

As in ‘My balls are stuck to my leg and it feels like I’m wading through treacle’ sticky.

Yeah, that kind of sticky.

As anyone who’s lost their v-card will attest, stickiness is a consequence of friction. Too much of the latter leads to a tsunami of the former. That’s why you’re supposed to shower after sex and wash your bike after going off-road: to remove all the mud and spaghetti that is a byproduct of living in a friction-filled society.

It doesn’t have to be this way however.

morpheus what if i told you

Imagine a world without cleaning. A universe in which no bathtub is scrubbed and no workwear is washed.

  filthy toilet


If you’re envisaging a shit-spattered dystopia, think again. A world without cleaning could actually look like this:



Impossibru? Not according to the manufacturer of the world’s first water repellent spray. It may sound like a sanitary towel, but Ultra Every Dry is a panacea that promises to emancipate both sexes from a lifetime of stubborn stains and unwanted goo.




Pretty cool huh?

But that ain’t the half of it. The real fun begins when you envisage the potential uses for water repellent spray. Forget soiled workwear – this is why we need magic spray in our lives:

Five Brilliant Uses for Water Repellent Spray

The Perfect Parent

Treat your children’s clothing with water repellent spray. Send them out to splash in puddles. Laugh at the parents whose kids come home clarted while yours stay spotlessly clean.

The Perfect Phonecall

Clear coat your phone and dive to the bottom of the sea. Order a Domino’s. Sure, the pizza may end up a little soggy but that’s a small price to pay for tracking your order FROM THE GODDAMN SEABED.

The Perfect Murderpatrick bateman blood

I’m not going to talk you through the perfect murder because I’m saving that scheme for when I’m married. All I’m at liberty to disclose is this: imagine a crime in which the victim is drenched in blood while the perp walks away spotless. Solve that one Poirot / Columbo / whisky-sozzled post-modern detective.

The Perfect Fap

Enter the shower. Fap like a madman on bath salts. Ejaculate over 9,000 litres of porridge. Watch every last tadpole scamper down the plughole in record time.

The Perfect Dookfoul bachelor frog

Go to the bathroom. Take a dump. Watch an eight-couric monster slide down the pan without a trace. Bin that toilet brush cos you’ll never need to use it again (implying you ever did). Skid repellent toilet bowls FTW.

The Perfect Planet

Coat the whole world in water repellent spray. Watch humanity disappear. Be sucked into a storm drain that leads to another dimension. Drown in a vortex of displaced dirt.

>MFW Ultra Every Dry creates a utopia cleansed of bronies.


If you can think of any other brilliant uses for water repellent spray, stick ‘em in the comments below. Otherwise, I’m gonna assume that we’ve ticked off every last deed worth doing with this slippery substance.

For the record, I’ve no affiliation with Ultra Ever Dry or any other manufacturer of water repellent spray – I just wanna piss in the sink without having to run the tap. Is that too much to ask?


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